


And I Know I Was Wrong, But I Won't Let You Down

by neilperrylovebot



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, M/M, this is just really fucking sad idk what to tell u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:54:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28512984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neilperrylovebot/pseuds/neilperrylovebot
Summary: I wrote this quickly bc it came into my head and once I start I cant stop lmao
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 13
Kudos: 28





	And I Know I Was Wrong, But I Won't Let You Down

**Author's Note:**

> Did I drive you away?  
> I know what you'll say  
> You say, "Oh, sing one you know"  
> But I promise you this  
> I'll always look out for you  
> Yeah, that's what I'll do
> 
> -Sparks, Coldplay

Todd takes a deep breath and picks up his pencil. This is good, this is progress.  
The counsellor Mr. Phillips had told Todd to write Neil a letter.  
This is his first attempt.

Fuck he doesn’t know where to start. He can’t just say ‘Dear Neil’ can he? Far too formal.  
Todd drops his head.  
It shouldn’t be this difficult.  
So Todd starts writing.

Neil,

I’m really struggling with words right now. You’re not here to help me.  
Fuck.  
You’re not here.

Todd puts his pencil back down and leans back in his chair. How is he supposed to compose a single sentence from the monstrosity of emotions in his head? There was only one person that could do that. Just one.

The door to their dorm room is ajar, so Todd shoves a pair of boots on his feet and walks out of that lonely, lonely room.  
The thing is, there’s a big difference between being lonely and alone. By no means is Todd Anderson alone- he has Charlie and Meeks and Knox and Pitts and sometimes Cameron and even Chris comes to see them all every so often. No, Todd isn’t alone. He’s lonely. Because no other pain has ever compared to what he feels daily. There’s a hole in his chest. He’s missing his other half.  
Todd walks down the corridor before stopping just before the stairway. The hallway is decorated in the same slightly incorrect baroque interior design. The ceilings were elaborately painted once, now the paint is peeling in certain places and faded from sunlight by others. Along the walls are 4 doors, each about 6 metres apart. The doors Todd assumed to be mahogany, or at least a cheaper replica. They are old and creaky, study and stiff. That is the feeling of this entire building, the lighting is warm but that’s as far as the comfort goes. Old, creaky, sturdy and stiff. The only thing that ever made Hellton feel more like home was him.  
But now he’s gone.  
And he isn’t going to come back.  
That’s what hurt the most for Todd, that Neil wasn’t going to come back. He wasn’t on a long holiday with his parents that he would eventually return from. He was gone forever. And forever is a really fucking long time.

The January air was crisp and the sky was clear Todd noted. He walked out into the courtyard of Welton Academy and headed for the lake. The wind was sharp, and it tickled his nose pleasantly. Todd smiled, a gentle smile. The sort that shows you’re in pain, without the pain of a grimace.  
He keeps walking.

Not before long, a bell tolls. Midnight. Three hours after curfew. But the lake is only a few yards away, and Todd knows he can sneak back into the dorms without being heard. After all, he did it with Neil so many times during the meeting days. The sky has turned from dark blue to an inky black, dotted with constellations and wisps of cloud streaked across the moon. The moon itself casts a silvery glow onto the snow, which reflects back upwards. There is an eerie brightness to the night, not one that Todd is completely comfortable with.  
The boy continued walking towards the lake and shifted direction to the dock. The same wooden dock that Neil and Todd spent hours either revising Neil’s lines or making out or just chatting nonsensical shit. The same wooden dock that Todd cried on that fateful morning in the snow. He moved closer towards it and felt the chill of the air travel through his bones. His coat was thick, but not thick enough to prevent shivers from reaching through his coat, piercing his skin like spears. Todd turns around to look at the academy in the moonlight. It is quite beautiful, but he can no longer see the beauty when the whole atmosphere of the building is cold. So he turns back around to fix his gaze upon the lake.  
And that’s when he saw it.  
Or rather, that’s when he saw him.  
Out of the corner of Todd’s peripheral vision he sees a boy sitting on the dock. A boy with short dark hair. A boy wearing a Welton coat, and black boots. Todd’s breath falters, and he walks steadily closer to him. At this point, the boy turns his face into the moonlight and Todd stops. Because he recognizes the curve in the boys nose, and he recognises the furrowed brow. He recognises the slight pout in his lips and he recognises the barely visible dimples.  
“I knew it.” The whisper comes from Todd’s lips and just about reaches his own ears.  
His feet start moving, and his arms swing up.  
Because Todd has recognised the boy sitting on the dock in the moonlight. He would recognise him anywhere.  
Neil.

The Welton boots are useless for grip, meaning Todd finds himself frantically slipping in the snow. He has to look down at his path to make sure he doesn’t tumble again and startle Neil. Todd gets closer and closer to the dock, his breath erratic and his hands shaking.  
“Neil! Oh, Neil! You’re alive I knew you were alive!” Todd screams now, not caring if he wakes up the other boys, not caring even for waking Nolan. His mind is just full of one boy, one person. And Todd is going to see him again. Because Neil is alive!  
The thoughts rush through Todd’s mind like electricity and suddenly things don’t seem so bad. Straight ahead of him is the love of his life. Straight ahead.  
Neil hasn’t moved since Todd started running, he is still staring off into the distance; his eyes fixed upon the woods beyond the lake. Neil always did love those woods and the walkthrough that the poets took before and after each meeting. It was those moments at which Neil was happiest, Todd thought. Either that or acting on stage.  
He’s reached the edge of the dock now, and Neil is still in front of him, clear as day. Completely oblivious that Todd is behind him.  
Somewhere deep within him, he finds the courage to try to grab Neil’s hand from behind. But as Todd’s hand reaches out to connect with the warmth of his boy, Todd Anderson blinks.  
And Neil Perry is nowhere to be seen.

Charlie Dalton was lying awake in bed smoking a cigarette when he heard the scream. It had just gone midnight, and no more than 5 minutes after the academy bell had rung did Charlie hear that heart-wrenching scream. And instantly he knew who it belongs to. It was a scream that Charlie had heard once before, and had wished to never hear again.  
It was pure grief, compressed into a single word, and yelled at the top of someone’s lungs.  
It was Todd Anderson, screaming a single word. The only word that Todd would ever scream.  
Neil.

**Author's Note:**

> OKay so i hope that didnt hurt too badly???  
> If u want more angst, follow my twitter bc I have multiple angst breakdowns a day on there
> 
> @rav3nperry


End file.
